All it took was:
A. a giant freight truck with helpful mover & dolly
B. 3 different tools to get the METAL straps that were holding the box together off (the giant industrial wire cutters finally did the trick)
C. a little blood - okay, a lot of blood, but I'll be okay, don't worry
D. the help of a very sweet customer.
And that was just to get the sucker opened.